1) Taking a lead from Great Britain it
should come as no surprise that New Jersey, New York and California have
decided to secede from the union. Governors in each of those states have gotten
together to create a new country which permits the deduction of real estate
taxes as well as other state and local income taxes. The governors believe that
making their constituents happy will result in further productivity and
increased tax revenues. Gov. Murphy from New Jersey declared: “New Jersey has
it all. Mountains, lakes and the seashore. What need does it have for
Washington DC.?” Murphy also declared that the state flag would be changed to
read:” I’ll have a pork roll, egg and cheese” with an Art Deco version of the
Bendix diner in its center. It should be noted that California has never really
considered itself part of the United States anyway and it’s lost to the union
is of little consequence especially since tech giants have decided to take
their money and tax revenues elsewhere recently. Pres. Trump stated: “We don’t
want California anyway. It’s a tinderbox. It’s Blue and just not nice.” He also
noted enthusiastically that “Florida had better weather in the winter than does
all of California.” And added “that he had no intention whatsoever of building
any hotels in California or Russia.” Gov. Cuomo stated that New York’s
proximity to Canada makes his state the “best choice for liberals” who hope to
sneak their way across Canadian borders or who may wish to seek political
asylum depending on the outcome of the 2020 presidential election. New York
State he said will also do better courting tech giants with massive tax give-a-
ways much sweeter than California. Pres. Trump on Fox news stated that he
believes “Shrinking the country is a lot like shrinking the government… It’s
got to be a good thing.” Other states continue to flirt with the idea following
in the footsteps of New Jersey, New York and California. Some states have even
suggested building a 35 foot tall border wall around their new country made of
clear plastic so those less fortunate could look through and see how well they
are doing.
2) It would seem that investors in
stocks on Wall Street are no longer of the “True Grit” variety. Without any
provocation whatsoever (except for the trade wars with China and the rest of
the world, climactic disasters everywhere, a federal deficit completely out of
control and a President who could find himself indicted, impeached or worse)
those scaredy cats sent the stock market down more than 1000 points in a single
day which could be one of the worst recorded events in stock market history.
Fortunately, the Secretary of the Treasury was quick to go on national news
telling investors there was nothing to worry about. He told reporters that this
was but a tiny blip in the overall healthy American economy. He said that the
Republicans in Congress believe that America’s giant corporations would not let
investors down even if it meant cutting wages by 50% to bolster profits. “It’s
what these companies are used to doing anyway, .If that doesn’t work we can cut
taxes again and again until we get it right.” When asked what his plans are
when Pres. Trump fires him, as he has most other cabinet holders, he spoke
confidently of his plans to start a hedge fund in a country just north of China
specializing in foreign securities. He also spoke of his alternate plan to star
in a sitcom to be called “The Last Big Bang Theory” about his days in the White
House.
3) It’s hard to believe that this February bar
bulletin is actually being written in January due to time constraints and a pressing
vacation schedule. It’s also hard to imagine that a good chunk of the federal
government is closed and shuttered. In a surprise announcement Bill Gates told
CNN reporters that it is his intention to buy the entire government. “When a
business is on the skids, it’s the best time to buy”, Gates proclaimed. “We
have a government that is closed and boarded up, deeply in debt and a
dysfunctional Congress. What could this mess be worth?” The White House was
stunned but quick to immediately begin negotiations. “I was sent to Washington
to shake things up. What better way than to sell the entire government to one
of its great entrepreneurial geniuses.” The President said. “Just look how
great Bill Gates made Microsoft. I think he can do the same thing for us.” He
also told reporters “that unless he takes Nancy Pelosi as part of the purchase,
there will be no deal.” The plan needs Justice Department approval, but it,
like the IRS was closed for comment.
Readers,
forgive me. There is just too much nonsense going on these days to write
another “real” bar bulletin. Hope you
enjoy the diversion. If you need any real
updates…ask Alexa.
No comments:
Post a Comment